My clients come to me because they’re in pain.

Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, psychic. Pain.

They talk about wanting to get rid of the pain, of wanting to walk away from their fear once and for all.

They speak about wanting to drop the stories, drop the past, eliminate the sadness.

They want to lop off the parts that hurt.

Be finished, be done, be over it.

In essence they’re telling me they want to be free.

The truth is… it’s not about cutting away pieces of ourselves.

It’s not about burying the trauma or the pain or working the stories, turning them around  or rewriting the endings, although thought work can be useful. It’s not about getting rid of the ugly bits or making them more beautiful or dressing them up for public consumption. It’s not about taking things out with the trash or being over it. And it is definitely not about denying its impact. Hard and frightening things happen to every single one of us at one point or another…some of it nasty and bad and soul shattering.

It IS about calling all of those parts back, finding them their right and proper place. This is what creates our wholeness. Welcoming and acceptance. Integration, NOT amputation.

It is about singing the song that brings us back to ourselves.

Do not mistake me. I am not talking about wallowing in the past or going looking for pain. I’m not even talking about the events themselves. It’s what the events caused us to loose, to set aside that I am speaking of. The brilliant, essential brightness that is our own unique essence, our core. We buried pieces of ourselves, because to show our shine was simply too dangerous. In our deepest, most tender places we knew that we had to tuck it away, keep it hidden, lock it up  until it was safe to go back. Our sense of belonging, safety, even our survival may have depended on it.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about Descansos, the white crosses by the side of the road that signal a sudden ending of a life in an unexpected way. We have our own inner Descansos, the white crosses that mark a sudden and unexpected death of some part of ourselves. It could be innocence, hope, a sense of play or exuberance that was abandoned along the path. It might be the artist, the sensualist, the intellect, the magician or the handy-person who got left behind.

How does this happen?

It may have been a meanness we experienced or possibly a point in time where we were not received in some essential way, a traumatic event or countless other possible shocks. Whatever it was, it caused us to recoil and even to vow, to never, ever show that jewel again, to keep hidden what was most precious . To decide from that moment on not to need or show fear, vulnerability, pain, joy, grief, or any one of the  thousand and one faces of our deepest most essential self.

Like a phantom limb that we still can feel, the loss shows itself in all kinds of ways: unsatisfying relationships, an inability to connect, physical pain in our bodies, a deep dissatisfaction that we are always trying to fill, running from one new mirage to the next. Asking, always asking, “What will fill me? What will satisfy? What will satiate, finally, fully? Is this it?” These are some of it’s cries.

Each part and experience we’ve left behind is a point on the sphere of our own exquisite  selves. Each part is as necessary and vital as every other. Without them all we do not have our whole. Without them all, we do not have the sense of completeness that allows us to turn our attention freely to what we long to express;our own unique gifts and talents we came here to share.

Simply beginning, in this very moment to receive everything, all of us, every fragile, imperfect and glorious part, like a welcome guest in the home of our own being is a restorative balm. Notice, welcome and give what’s here, in this single, solitary  moment, the space and time to inform us of its gifts and treasures. This is an antidote to the severing we have necessarily perpetrated upon ourselves.

As we collect and welcome home all the parts, the lost children of our being, we experience greater wholeness.  The past no longer has an invisible and implacable hold on us.

There is nothing to hide or protect.

We move from survival to thriving.

We experience freedom.

What treasures are buried beneath the white crosses along the hi-way of your life?

What are you ready to go back and welcome?

I would love to know.

Photo credit: Melanie Marx

“Now is the time to know

That all that you do is sacred.

Now, why not consider

A lasting truce with yourself and God.

Now is the time to understand

That all your ideas of right and wrong

Were just a child’s training wheels

To be laid aside

When you finally live

With veracity

And love.”

-   Hafiz

I’ve been gestating something new and big these last months. It’s something deep and wonderful. It articulates and shares something I’ve spent an entire year learning and embodying. It’s close to my heart. I want to share, yearn to, need to.

I had it in my mind that it would start on the Lunar New Year in February. Certain, sure, insistent in fact. I dug in my heels and pushed. I got sick. Life got all a-jumble. I still pushed, harder. I wanted all the pieces…NOW! I had a deadline…in my mind.

Yesterday as I was in the shower it came to me with deep certainty that the timing was off. I had it wrong. This piece, this offering, this gift wants to be born in the Spring. It needs the warmth of the thaw to come out into the world, not the frozen light of winter. To push would be premature. It needs this time to come into its own fullness and completeness.

As soon as I accepted a spring arrival, as soon as I let go of my mind’s best idea and my need to do it right, my shoulders dropped, my body relaxed and my mind began to settle.

Sacredness, truth and love rushed in.

Rest, openness and trust arrived.

I anticipate a spring delivery.

What in your life wants to stop being pushed?

Photo credit: Melanie Marx

Traditionally the last month of the year has been a time of deep reflection and rest for me.

This year it was a month of  changes, rippling undertows and seemingly dichotomous events. There did not appear to be much traction for moving things forward or getting things done, hence this post, finally, on Epiphany.

In the San Juan Islands in Washington State, where I used to live, the waters, although breathtaking and beautiful can be treacherous and tricky. There are places where several conflicting currents come together in one place. As the tide shifts and turns peaking, the chop becomes disorganized, disorienting and even dangerous.

This image is the one that accompanied me as I moved through December. Everything good and terrible coming together, meeting and reforming. Light and dark, hope and despair, beginnings and endings. So much that was sweet and bright and much that was sudden, difficult and heart rending. All together in one hand, one life, one month, one moment, one breath.

Despite my best intentions my inspiration was as fleeting and opaque as the clouds that pressed erratically against my sun-room windows the past month.

My “Ah-ha” moment came when I read Queen Goddess of blogging, Laurie Foley’s post; Three Words for 2011. I immediately understood that before I could plan and look forward I had to glance back at the long stretch behind me I had just navigated. It was imperative to acknowledge, appreciate and receive the essence and enormity of this past year before I could walk through the threshold and doorway into a new one.

Here is what I saw. My Three Words for 2010.

Safety

My relationship with fear has taken a 180º turn. For most every day of my life I felt afraid. This past year fear went from being the enemy to friend, lover, sometime companion and always ally. I now welcome its gifts and messages with open arms. I am no longer in any way ruled by it.

For the first time in my life I am experiencing trust on a deeply visceral, biological, every day level. I trust Life. I trust in the intrinsic goodness of the Universe. I trust my body. I trust myself.  My nervous system has settled down. Absolutely. Completely. A lifelong stance of defense has melted, softened and retired.

I have experienced that when we feel safe, we are able to completely heal, transform and then create what our soul most longs to bring forth. With safety I am more and more willing to make mistakes, screw up, fall down, risk everything. I now call this learning. I stopped spending all my time in survival mode and have moved fully into thriving.

Safety led to..

Arrival

This was the year I finally arrived. Fully. Completely. Absolutely. Irrevocably. I stepped into my life.  The searching, seeking, waiting, hiding, straining and avoiding stopped.

Arrival: To be present. Here and Now.

Present in my life, my community, my relationships, my body, my home, my vocation, my work.

I am at peace, at rest. I have arrived.

With Safety and Arrival came…

Connection

My connections have gotten deeper, broader and richer the past year.

Connections to my communities, my family, my clients, my work, the natural world, the earth, the Divine, with all living beings and most especially myself have become juicier, clearer, sweeter and more satisfying…every single one of them.

I feel connection to my creative gifts and talents, to beauty, passion, joy, the emotions that move through me, the rhythms and cycles of life and death, to my own precious life.

What three words celebrate 2010 for you?

I’d love to know.

Photo credits: Melanie Marx

The mind is a mad and capricious lover.

Forever luring me back to its deceptive embrace.

Having its way with me again and again despite my very best intentions to be unmoved, untouched, uninterested.

Fingers beckoning, voice consolatory, sweet, beguiling, it starts.

Once again.

Oh, the headiness of it!

Listening to the stories.

Considering.

Following.

Seduced,

Once again.

In some unguarded, unaware, unconscious moment, caught,

Once again.

Off and running.

Believing the lies.

Tossed one way.

Another.

Wild

Endless

Bouncing.

Arguing, Comparing, Judging, Instructing. Seeking, Racing.

Emotions fly, swirl and shift in crazed kaleidoscope landscapes.

Lunatic spirals.      Frantic dances.      Dead Ends.

Leaving me…

anxious

confused

disoriented

exhausted.

Once again.

Left.

Frustrated, cheated, defeated, unsatisfied.

Finally,

Slowing,

Stopping.

A whisper,

“Drop deeper my sweet.

Oh. Yes.

Drop your attention deeper.

Settle softly into Heart, my love.

Rest in Lower Belly.

Yes,

Breathing.

A different Immersion.

Clear. Bright.

Breathe

Feet and Hands.

Oh, Mmmmmm!

Yes!

Deeper… Deeper…oh, Deeper

That’s right…deeper…

Ever      Deeper.”

Settling in.

Settling down.

Resting.

Breathing.

Simply.  Sweetly.

Breathing.

Quiet.

Still.

Opening my eyes.

Finding myself.

Here.

Walking away.

Once again.

When do you walk away?

Photo credit: Melanie Marx

Every day these past weeks I’ve taken a walk in the park at the center of my town.

Every day I’ve thought,”This is the last beautiful day, the last really good one.”

Every day I have mourned the passing of autumn and the coming of winter.

Every day I drink deeply of the astonishing array of color, sound and scent that rushes at me.

Every day I am blown away, cracked open, torn apart,destroyed and remade by the beauty I see all around me.

Every day I am filled to overflowing with joy, gratitude and a deep sense of celebration for life.

Every day the overflowing of my heart spills in wet rivers down my cheeks.

Every day the world around me teaches and informs me.

Every day I leave renewed, rejuvenated, reaffirmed, restored, rearranged and reworked.

Every    single    day.

So when did I start believing that  there was a finite amount of beauty in the world?

When did I start to think that there was a limited amount of joy?

When did I start to construct borders around well-being?

Or satisfaction

or love

or fun?

When did I start to hoard it and think there wouldn’t be more?

When did I start to be so afraid of disappointment that I started to defend against it as default?

When did I start to worship at the altar of Not Enough?

Maybe it’s time to stop.

Maybe it’s time to drink in every single drop of beauty and glory and joy…in unlimited amounts.

It’s all around me.

It’s infinite.

It’s steadfast.

It’s enduring.

Maybe it’s time to start resting in the warm and welcoming embrace of Enough.

Where do you erect the borders?

Where do you limit your experiences of life, believe in not enough?

I would love to know.

Photo credit: Melanie Marx

]]> http://www.onpurposelifedesign.com/2010/after-the-rain/feed/ 6 http://www.onpurposelifedesign.com/2010/when-in-doubt/ http://www.onpurposelifedesign.com/2010/when-in-doubt/#comments Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:22:32 +0000 admin http://www.onpurposelifedesign.com/?p=541

“When you are in doubt,

be still, and wait;

be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists – as it surely will.

Then act with courage.”

Pona Chief White Eagle

Often, when we don’t know, we want the answers and we want them NOW!

We push, pull and pummel all the facts around.

We cogitate, ruminate, ponder and puzzle.

We ask our partners, our friends, sometimes even strangers.

We make lists, we journal, we talk about it.

We spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure it all out.

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard,”I just have to figure it out.” I would be a richer woman.

Instead

What if you allowed the  mind to settle?

What if you breathed and let the answer come whisper in your ear when it was fully formed and ready?

What if you began to bare the uncertainty of not knowing,like a warm blanket, rather than a cruel banshee to run from?

Because the truth is we absolutely know what “YES” feels like.

Until we get yes…the answer is “NO!”

So let it go and get on with something better, more satisfying…like this moment and this breath and this sunrise.

When the answer comes and taps you on the shoulder you’ll know exactly what to do.

Photo credit: Melanie Marx

There are times in our lives when we know that we are being called to something bigger. We’re called to step up, show up, let go, move on, move out, move in, you name it…there are as many ways of saying it and experiencing it as there people on the planet and experiences in life. We are being called to grow in some way.

Sometimes we can see it and we know it’s coming. We can feel something is stirring and shifting inside. We feel it in our guts, our viscera. My name for it is Divine Unrest.

Photo by Chris Blakeley

Sometimes it comes upon us all of a sudden. Like a toddler, we wake up one morning and find that, metaphorically speaking, our favorite clothes are too small. Our bellies are exposed and our pants are too short and tight around the waist. Life just isn’t comfortable in the same way anymore. Often outward changes go with this imperative to grow…we change jobs, careers, leave relationships or move to a new place.

Sometimes this change is thrust upon us in the form of a crisis of some sort; a divorce, the loss of someone we love, an accident, an illness. Sometimes it is simply our own need to be more of who we truly are, to fill out our own spaces and crevices more completely that calls us to the brink.

Every time we begin something new, step into the realm of the unknown we are accompanied by fear. We move into this thing called transition…it is the empty void in between, the long hallway, the empty elevator. Transition is when we move from one life, one identity, and one place to another.

About twenty years ago, when I was in the middle of the single biggest transition of my life, I came across a story in Danaan Parry’s book Warriors of the Heart. He talks about the leap like this…

We are happily swinging away on our very own trapeze. We feel confident and sure. We’re comfortable and feel in command. Then one day we see an empty trapeze swinging in the distance out in front of us and we know with our deepest being that it belongs to us.  We also know that in order to get to it we have to let go of the trapeze we’re on.

We want more than anything sometimes to be able to continue to keep a firm hold on the trapeze we’re on before we grab the new one. We simply can’t. It’s just not possible. We worry that we’ll fall. We’ll strike the sharp rocks below. We’ll be annihilated.

Here’s the scary truth… it simply doesn’t matter how many times we take the leap, and it’s often…. we get scared. We feel fear, exhilaration, doubt, and excitement in turns or all at once. This is where we can wake at 3 am with that darn committee arguing inside our head, visions of disaster flashing. It’s when we can start to wonder what the heck we were thinking anyway, or we hear our mother’s voice wondering it for us.

In turns we  reason with ourselves that we’ll be fine or get stern and tell ourselves we’ve got to! We have to! Now! Just do it already!

Sometimes the leap can feel as serious as life and death. Even when it’s our own heart and soul longing for the new life, new thought, new place, new groove, even when we hear the voice of God, Inspiration, Deepest Self, we feel afraid. We doubt. We question.

It doesn’t make any differnce  how many times we’ve made it across, how many times we’ve taken the Big Leap, it always feels like we’ve never done it before. Fear let’s us know something important is happening. It says, “Pay attention!” In this case it’s telling us we are in danger of shifting the status quo.

And finally, inevitably we make the leap. We’re flying…in mid-air. Often after we make the decision and let go it’s still a while before our hands are firmly planted on the next trapeze…even longer until we are confident and comfortable with the swing and rush of the new bar.

Most of us hurry to grab the bar, feel the certainty of its solidness under our hands again. Being in the in between places is uncomfortable and most of us want to rush though them, to feel settled again and secure.

But what if those in between spaces are the juiciest places? What if this no-mans land is when we can really ask the deeper questions?  I believe that these in between places are some of the richest and most fertile in life…they hold wide opportunities for the deepest deep growth and change.

What if the next time you find yourself in this transition zone, you took the time to question every assumption you have about life?

What if you took some time to breathe deeply and rest in the midst of the headlong rush?

To enjoy the sense of weightlessness and stretch?  

To dig even deeper into what would bring you joy and satisfaction of the inner glow kind?

What would be freeing to leave behind?

What thoughts, possessions, relationships, stories can be dropped in the leap?

How much lighter can you get as you move into this new space, new swing?

Not long after that big transition in my life I came across a small ceramic rabbit hanging on a trapeze. In my personal cosmology rabbits represent fear.This story about the trapeze came instantly to mind. I bought the rabbit and it hung for many years from the rear view mirror in my car. One day it broke and I reverently let it go.

Then a couple years ago, just before I shut down my business of twenty-some years to follow my bliss, a dear friend and I were having lunch in Portland. She excitedly showed me a purchase she’d just made…it was that same sweet flying rabbit. I shared my story. A few weeks later the rabbit’s brother showed up in my mailbox as a surprise. Today it hangs in my bedroom and is a beautiful reminder that leaping into the void is necessary and scary…and we do it anyway…again and again because that empty trapeze is ours and we know it.  We keep fulfilling our need to continue stretching and growing.

What’s the trapeze you’re seeing in the distance?

What would feel good to questions and let go of, as you leap?

How do you settle into the void?

I’d love to know.

When we lie to ourselves about what we want – when the heart longs for something and we turn our face away and do not acknowledge the visceral so-ness of this longing, we loose our internal guidance system. The inner GPS simply goes off-line. Self-doubt runs like a madman through the house over turning tables and chairs, knocking books off the shelves and trampling the altars of our dreams and deepest knowings. This mayhem spreads and it then becomes impossible to know what the body wants. To be fed? To move? To rest? The emotional landscape becomes flat and boring or jagged and difficult. The pleasure body becomes confused and nothing satisfies, nothing satiates…this pretending is deadly to the soul. The lights go out in the mansion of our desire. We thrash and turn in the dark, bumping into the hall tables and believing they are monsters.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

It’s often quite painful to acknowledge what we most long for, especially if we have no earthly idea how to begin to create it. It’s terrifying to want what we most want when we have evidence piled to the ceiling that we cannot have it. I’m not talking about the red Ferrari here, the dream vacation or the big new house. I am referring to what those represent. What will the things you want give you? These are the true jewels. Things more dear and basic, as simple and satisfying as having our basic human needs fulfilled. Safety, Freedom. Love. Joy. Community. A sense of belonging. Contribution. These are at the bottom of our hearts deeper yearnings. The things we turn our backs on and say, “Never! It will never happen.”

And so we may lie to ourselves and say, “I don’t want that.” Not because we don’t, but because it’s too painful to want, to simply long for without our mind knowing the how of it. So we cut off a hand or our heart. We shut down and turn away, from ourselves, from our heart’s longing. The problem with this is that our heart is the place most closely connected to the Divine, to our essential nature, our essential self, to our soul’s purpose and gifts. Saying no to part of this creates deep distrust, self-doubt and darkness. Facing the truth of the longing, telling the truth, admitting the tenderest, most vulnerable desire simply to ourselves, this opens the doors and turns on the lights. It allows us the grace to sweep the rooms and right the furniture, to make a home for ourselves, a place to sit and listen to our heart’s deeper calling.

Why do we pretend we don’t want what we want?

We’re afraid.
We’re waiting for permission.
We might believe it’s selfish or wrong somehow.
Sometimes it can be that we just don’t even want to want what we want because it’s simply too painful to not have it.

Lots of us don’t even know what we really want. We have been so culturally inducted to want what others tell us we want. We learn this early. We practice it often. We get good at it. And it hurts. We get sick; we make limiting choices and stay when we should go. We go when we should stay. As Mary Oliver says,” Listen – Are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?”

Listening to and honoring this longing calls us deeper into ourselves…it uncovers the bodies and the stories and beliefs we walk on and call the Truth. Not realizing how false a god (those lies) we worship.

What are some of the lies I’ve been hearing?

“I just want what life brings me.”
“I don’t really want to be in a ________ relationship.”
“This is my life and it’s enough.”
“This job is good enough. It pays the bills.”
“ I can’t_____.”
And it is not the words I hear, it is the shrinking from life I sense when I or someone else tells such a falsehood.

I am not advocating turning your life upside down. There is no urgent need to quit the job, or kiss the closest available person. I am encouraging you to listen deeper. To ferret out the small voice of disquiet inside when you utter such a lie. Especially to yourself. I am beckoning you to feel the discomfort and squirming of your body. To feel the sadness and defeat drifting faintly on the air when you tell yourself or others these lies. To allow yourself the presence and curiosity in the moment to feel the contraction of spirit, body and soul. To be on the look out for them. To give them room and space and voice. They are the gateway back to a richer experience, a bigger life, to the fulfillment of those deeper needs and longings.

For me the discovery of the lie “I don’t want a romantic relationship with a man.” not only brought home in the most gut wrenching way that this lie made it impossible for me to trust myself about anything, and hence this post. It also sent me on a journey that gifted me with a much deeper love and appreciation for myself. And the truth that, while I would like to have a relationship with a man, what I want most is greater love and intimacy with myself. This is true with or without a man. Sitting with the longing, listening intently to all my heart had to say, brought me to this place.

It takes courage to tell the truth, especially to ourselves. To listen to our deepest stirrings, to dare to desire more or less. To rest. To allow silence. To welcome connection. To play, laugh, love, offer a hand.

Can we give those things to ourselves, even for 5 minutes at a time?

What are the lies you tell yourself?

What are you saying you don’t want, not because you don’t but because you don’t believe you can have it?

And if you had it, what would that give you?

How can you have that now?

I would love to know.

What if the prince isn’t coming to wake Sleeping Beauty with the kiss and the knight isn’t going to show up on the white horse? What if it’s all up to me?  This is what I sat and contemplated on a recent Saturday nite. What if the windfall isn’t coming, the guy isn’t going to show up and the miraculous thing I have been waiting for that will allow me to effortlessly drop weight, look like a magazine model and take me back 20 years in time never materializes?  Huh!

Now what?

What if the fairy tales really ARE fairy tales?

This shocked me.

I mean really. How long have I been waiting for some outside stroke of good fortune, love, or happiness to show up? Since childhood probably…all those fairy tales. God forbid, Beauty and the Beast was my own personal favorite…and believe me in real life the Beast NEVER turned into a prince. He just grew longer fangs, sharper claws and just got harder to get away from. I really thought I had outgrown all of that nonsense. I consider myself to be a highly introspective person already! So this was a rather rude discovery.

Sitting watching some sappy movie realizing that I hadn’t…moved on.

I was still waiting.

Waiting for something outside of me to bring me the joy and happiness I desire. Me, who is pretty darn happy with my life, my work, my home my relationship with my family and friends. I asked myself…what if the guy never comes?  And it’s all up to me?

First came  a sense of loss, and yeah some tears, (for a dream, a fantasy, for something I had never even had) and then a sense of resolve…So what am I waiting for? What am I not doing? What am I putting on hold until…?

A vacation in Mexico?…a different life?…taking dancing lessons?…a yoga class?…a  3 day walking trip?…a move to another city?

Where am I waiting for some external force to motivate me to move, to act on my dreams and desires? The fairy godmother isn’t going to propel me into those things. I have to step out the door, into my life. I see that I still have some empty spots inside that I’ve been waiting to fill with something or someone outside of myself.  And as I search outward for fulfilment I can feel that by doing this I have once again abandoned myself.  I’ve left me. So I turn around and come home. Again.

So now, I ask myself:

Where am I not moving toward what I want?

Where am I waiting for Divine Providence to strike?

Where am I not showing up?

It seems everything in life right now, even sappy movies, is calling me deeper into my own life…deeper into my own being..into awakeness..deeper into the richness and wisdom and love that is already here. Right now. In this moment.

What are you waiting for?

What’s holding you back?

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you truly love”-Rumi

Being on Purpose: For Most of Us, It Doesn’t Happen All at Once

I realized a few years ago that I had lived my whole life, for the most part, taking care of and pleasing others.  I started this at an early age, lots of us do and just keep doing it.  I worked in corporate America,11 years at Nordstrom, climbing the ladder, giving my all, culminating in my dream job–BUYER. Which I realized I hated after a few years– no make that days. A buyer I trusted kept telling me I would one day find I really liked it. She lied. I kept doing it until I just couldn’t anymore. Nine months shy of my 30^th birthday I was in an elevator on my way to give a presentation to a couple hundred people and I knew with every fiber of my being I was finished—right then, that day.

I quit and then my whole world fell apart within weeks. Serious health issues showed up. My marriage crumbled and I was faced with raising 3 children, the youngest 5 months, the oldest barely 5 years, by myself. I had no idea what to do with my life. I had no job or benefits and I was sooooo tired. That happens when we are doing what doesn’t feed our soul. But really, I was lucky. I had profit sharing–enough to pay everything off and live for a year.  I worked as a landscaper part time because I wanted to. I healed and rested and I asked for something greater than me to guide me in the next step.

I wanted something that was more on purpose with what I loved–with my own talents and gifts. There was a special magic and relief in doing this, asking for collaboration and support from the mysterious force that inhabits all life.  Every time I got scared about work and money I would hear deep inside”when the money runs out and it’s time to work, the job will come to you.” And it did.I can promise you it was not MY idea of perfect.  I looked at the heavens and said, “you have got to be kidding.” I don’t argue with the Divine though, so I said yes and began a 20-year career on the other side of the table, so to speak. I went to work for an organization of sales reps for women’s apparel and apprenticed, learned and finally opened my own showroom and business. The on purpose part is that I was really there for the people–the conversations–and I was really good at the job of being a sales rep in the fashion world.

I made a good living, had flexibility to raise my children and continue to feed myself small mouthfuls of what really, deeply fed me, enough to keep my spirit alive and wanting more. I saw my business as a stepping stone to what I really wanted in life and  I didn’t have any fully formed idea about what that might be. The business tag line was ’Reach 4 A Star’.As my children got older and my 30s vanished into my 40s and the years went by, the itch for more got stronger and stronger.

Three years and a few months ago my father died. My father was far from a perfect man. He was loved and reviled and he was the center pole in my tent. At the same time my youngest son’s troubled teens culminated in a trip to rehab for many months on the other side of the country and my spiritual community, a structure of support in my new town became ashes in a brief matter of weeks. My world was forever changed.

These events sent me into a total reassessment of my life.

Those I had taken care of were either dead or didn’t need me in the same way. I began to really turn my attention toward myself. I mourned, I traveled to Asia and India, I began to question what I really wanted in my life–how to care for myself, how to have a fulfilled life and live my purpose. And what was that and who was I anyway?

A lot has changed in the past three years. My children and I are closer together emotionally and farther apart geographically. I went to school, I traveled, and I sat on my sofa for literally months. And as I sit at the tale end of my 40s, I am embarking on another adventure. Every day I have the great joy and privilege of assisting people to come back to their own brilliant selves and get more of what they truly want in their lives.

I am doing this because I believe every one of us has the intrinsic right to be happy and live a life that is filled with true fulfillment and peace. I believe that this is literally how we can and will change the world. I am doing this because I wake up excited every day to share myself and what I know about doing this with the world. I am doing this because I cannot for even one moment imagine what else I would care to do. I am doing this because I know with every fiber of my being that if I can feel this much joy and gratitude for my life, no matter what the circumstances are every day, anyone can. I do this because I am on fire with passion and purpose. I do this because I want to, oh yeah, I really, really want to.

What do YOU want to do?

How do you get there from here?

Photo courtesy of the Amazing Splendiferous Wendy Long